Sometimes the weak become the strong

I have always wanted a tattoo. I’ve thought about tons of different ones that I’ve wanted. A lot of them faded away because they really didn’t mean anything to me.

When I was younger, I would see pictures of tattoo’s and be like”I want that!” - I vividly remember wanting this tribal four leaf clover, and now that I think back on it, I’m glad I never got it. Because even though I love four leaf clovers, anything irish and ireland, it wouldn’t have meant anything to me other than luck and looking cool.

I have been thinking of this one tattoo that I’ve been wanting ever since my family and I were homeless. And that’s been about 3 or 4 years. I’ve been thinking and thinking and wanting it. I know exactly what I want, exactly where I want it and somewhat on how I want it to look like.

I want a quote just beneath my collar bones. My mom is a lot more open-minded today than she was when I was an early teen. She seemed to like it but mentioned if I get married it’ll clash or take away from the dress.

A couple weeks ago, she was talking to her one girlfriend about it and her girlfriend said the same thing: just that I should think twice about it and it’ll clash and take away from the dress. I asked my brother’s fiance a similar question last night ~

“When you think about getting tattoo’s, you don’t think about if clothes would look good with it, do you?”

Her response was basically that she definitely does and that I should consider the same thing. When my mom was telling me about how I better think twice about it and that it’s going to take away from the dress all I could think was “seriously? I’ve been thinking about it so long and I want it. This is stupid.”

This is how I feel: You shouldn’t choose to not do or get something mainly because of clothing and a possible future formal event. I can definitely see where everyone is coming from, but why should anyone put off who they are or who they want to become just because of a damn dress?

I can also see that applying for a job would be difficult because they don’t want tattoo’s or piercing’s. I just think it’s all assinine.

When you fall in love and your significant other proposes, they love you for you. I mean, they want to spend the rest of their life with you! And whether they like your tattoo’s and piercing’s or they hate them, they still want YOU. They still want to marry YOU and spend their life with YOU. They want to grow old with YOU. Tattoo’s and piercing’s included, if you have them.

If they really love you for you, they will not try to change you or even suggest that you have too many tattoo’s/piercing’s and how you don’t need anymore (or even suggest you take your piercing’s out)

And as far as covering up your tattoo(s) with makeup for your wedding day, my opinion is that you’re hiding who you truly are with a mask and everyone always says to “Be Yourself” - take this post how you will.

Tonight was fantastic. More than fantastic.

It was fucking hilarious, a riot. A scary nerve-racking riot.

It was so easy to open up and I was able to be comfortable around people that I hardly know.

As I was sleeping and tossing and turning, I kept thinking “what should I do? Should I go? Should I stay home?”

I was seriously talking myself into staying home, getting some stuff that I needed to get done, done. Until Steph came and talked me into going.

I shortly agreed and while showering, I remember saying mentally “I can’t believe I said yes to going bowling. I. am. going. bowling.”

It truly sounds like nothing at all, going bowling. And honestly, it is nothing. But I’m not used to being around people and hanging out, I forgot what it felt like to have a lot of fun without giving a fuck.

So, I decided to go through with it. I was uncomfortable about it because again, I’m not social. I just stand there until someone talks to me. I never know what to say, etc etc.

So we went. We played In Flames on the way up. John got lost and ironically got pissed. We finally showed up and I was nervous. I wasn’t sure how it’d be going down. I haven’t bowled in ages, I couldn’t even remember which fingers to stick in the bowling ball (swear to god I thought it was the index and middle). But as the night progressed and as I started to laugh more and down a can of Monster within 5 minutes, I was feeling a lot better than I was prior to even leaving the house.

I started to just not care. I started to have fun, a lot of fun. I was laughing and carrying on with Buddy. I felt a lot more comfortable with John and Steph being there, because it was like they were both backups. If I felt nervous or wanted to be social, I’d do it with them.

Needless to say, I actually got out of my shell and that’s what I need. I need to be more social, I need to just not care and just have fun. And god, it’s been years. So if you’re one of the awesome people who I went bowling with, thanks a bunch! :)

I would say the cherry on top of the night is a tie - with us getting pulled over by the cops and with Sam scaring the shit out of me (slow motion - “Whaaaaaaat. Theeee. Fuccccccckkk?”) and coincidentally getting a strike shortly thereafter. I kinda sucked at bowling, but I think in the two hours, I got two strikes. So, I’ll take it.

But, I had a really good time, I’m gonna go next week. And it’s gonna be a riot all over again because Steph’s coming too! Just man, what a night~!

“ya know, it’s nice that they’re not leaving. That’s a real friend right there”

“It’s not gay if it’s in a three-way”

*old pedophile guy from Family Guy voice* “I got a couple little suckers in my pocket, if you want one. See?” *holds up two lollipops*

I really don’t know what to think, what to say or how to act anymore.

Things were going, I wouldn’t say great, but they were good for it seemed like five seconds and then everything went to absolute and utter shit.

I can finally say what I feel. And here it is.

I feel like I can’t be myself around you, because you’re older and a lot more wiser than I am. I will probably definitely look like a complete idiot.

I think about how everything would be if things blossomed into a relationship and a part of me thinks that you might compare me to her.

It’s like I can’t date you without dating her (for at least two months, anyhow)

So if I’m considered childish or immature, it’s nothin’ I haven’t heard before.

This is me, this is how I am, this is how I act.

There’s billions of people walking amongst the planet, I can not help it if some are like me.

I really like you. You know this.

I’ve never been a in situation like this before and it makes me uncomfortable, is that so wrong? Am I such a child for thinking it’s awkward? Am I such a child for not knowing how to act or react?

All of the nonexistent memories I can burn, if there’s no where left to turn and we’re just wondering in circles.

I just wish you could be in my shoes and think of how everything would’ve made you feel. I’m not arguing, I’m not fighting, I’m not judging. I can express myself more clearly if I’m talking to a wall, because at least the wall can’t talk back. I am shy. I am unknown to a thing called friendship.

I refuse to be titled the bad guy, all of the time.

Because I’m entirely not. It’s insanely interesting how far little people actually know you. I thought this would possibly be different, but then I remind myself that you’re most likely better off without me. So walk on, I’ll stay here awhile and watch the waves go white at the tip.

How can I risk everything if I walk with nothing?

How can I risk everything if I have nothing?

How can I risk everything when I am nothing?

- - - - - -

Money troubles, Family troubles, a court hearing coming up - not to mention trying to lose weight and make something of myself. (especially when everyone rubs it in your face and also tells you so many times I can’t recall) This isn’t easy and I’m slowly crumbling, falling face first back into the black abyss. I’m under pressure, I’m worried, I over-think everything and I can’t let things go. I’m robotic. I put myself on the line and I felt like a fool. If I can only have friendship, I’ll take what I can possibly get.

But sweetie,  you really don’t know the half of it.